


still kinda think it was up to me (when i never could've made you stay)

by iamalystark



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner is Spencer Reid's Parent, Autistic Spencer Reid, Emotional Hurt, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid Friendship, Men Crying, Metaphors, Parent Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Post-Season/Series 12, Protective Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Sad Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Sad Spencer Reid, Sorry Not Sorry, Spencer Reid Angst, Spencer Reid Gets a Hug, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Spencer Reid Whump, Spencer Reid is a Mess, The BAU Team as Family (Criminal Minds)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:54:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamalystark/pseuds/iamalystark
Summary: Spencer Reid misses Aaron Hotchner.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	still kinda think it was up to me (when i never could've made you stay)

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry :(((

"I miss him," Spencer tells JJ one day, his voice soft and his eyes trained on a few of the empty seats of the jet. She's sitting next to him, and her brows furrow as she follows his gaze. 

"Morgan?" She asks, because really, Spencer always misses Morgan. 

"No." He shakes his head, then shakes it again, scowling as frustration surges through him. " _Yes_ , but no. I miss Hotch," he tells her, and the annoyance in his body language fades, his whole body slumping with something akin to sadness. 

Her face softens, and after a moment's hesitation, she rests her hand over his, which is tapping against his thigh rapidly. Reid abruptly stops moving it at the feeling of her skin touching his, and he blinks down at it. "I miss Derek, of course. I'll always miss him. Is that selfish? To want him to be here when he has every right to not be?"

He looks to her, genuine worry in his eyes as he speaks. JJ feels her heart break. "Spence, no. It's okay to miss him. To miss both of them. They miss being here too, you know that," she whispers quietly, aware of the rest of the team a little ways away. As much as Spencer cares about them, he doesn't want them to hear this vulnerable side of him right now, and JJ senses that. 

"Miss both of them," Reid repeats, then with his brows furrowing even more, he mumbles something under his breath. JJ leans closer.

"What?"

"He hasn't called."

She blinks at him, trying to figure out what he meant. "Morgan calls all the time."

"No, _Hotch_ ," Reid hisses, once again frustrated, and he jerks his hand away from JJ. She purses her lips, a sad sigh escaping through her nose. 

"I. . . I can't speak for him, nobody can. But he does care. You have to know that," she says, trying to come up with some magical answer, something that will just make him feel better. 

"My dad _cared_. Gideon _cared_. They left too," Spencer shoots back, his tone losing all the fire. "You don't think that's a pattern?" 

And finally, all the pieces slide into place. He blames himself for them leaving. "Spence, your dad was a coward. He left because he wasn't as strong as you are," she makes sure to say ' _are_ ' because she knows how his opinion of himself has changed the past few years. "And Gideon? I was there too. By your logic, that makes it my fault. Elle? I was there. Morgan, Hotch. I was there. Rossi was there, Emily."

Tears of frustration prick at his eyes, and he brings his hands up, shoving his palms into them. He doesn't know how to tell her that it's _different_ because he's _him_ , so he doesn't. He just sits there with tears in his eyes, a lump in his throat, and sorrow drowning him on dry land. 

It's not the same as grief, because grief is wanting for something that can't happen again, someone that can't be there again. It's just missing, because missing is different, and maybe it hurts more, because it's not something that can't happen, it's something that won't but _can_. 

It's like when you fall out of touch with someone you cared about, and you know they're not going to be there again, but you still have the urge to tell them about things you used to tell them. Only, he and Hotch didn't fall out of touch. It was dropped, and then when it could be picked up again, it wasn't.

It's not grief, but really, it feels like it. Because when he looks at a certain seat, occupied by anyone that's not Hotch, it hurts like how he looked at chess boards after Gideon died. Because some days he'll glance over to Hotch's office, and then remember like a punch to the gut that it's _Emily's_ now. Because he'll hear " _Wheels up in thirty,"_ and it'll settle _wrong_ because it's not the right person to be saying it.

Spencer loves Emily, and he loves JJ, Rossi, all of the team. But he loves Hotch too, and the change hurts. It's been over a year, but it _hurts_. 

And the sucky thing is, he understands. He understands that Jack is important, and he's not jealous, he gets it. But he just wishes that he was important too. "It's different," Reid finally whispers to JJ, removing his hands from his eyes. 

She's watching him, that same sad look on her face, and she tries to offer him a comforting look. It doesn't work. "It's different because of who he was to you," she says knowingly. He hates that she knows so quickly, that she can see through his thoughts so easily. 

And he hates that she said ' _was_.'

"When they were in witsec, I understood. It wasn't his fault, he had to keep Jack safe. But after. . . After," he can't even finish his sentence, meeting her eyes again. 

JJ sees something there, sees how close he is to breaking down, and she pulls him tightly against her chest. Reid hugs her back, rests his head on her shoulder, and he cries.

**Author's Note:**

> this was one hundred percent a vent about how much i miss hotch-


End file.
